On G String

THE END

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 05:42:00 +0000

This is to put a final full-stop to the stories of my life thus far. Moving on with life, I've created a whole new chapter to record the happenings of the new chapter in life. And if you're destined/fated to know it, you'll know it. :D

Read: This blog is dead.

That Final Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 09:53:00 +0000

Why is it so hard to bid farewell?

2 years of post-secondary education.... It just HAD to end like this.

老师, 您为什么要这样对我？

我是否犯了什么大罪?

为什么要这样对我？

I had never experienced such a painful farewell with a teacher you'd trusted, respected and looked up to so much (well, at least for the past 2 years).

And to think that I ACTUALLY broke down, in a place called the school, in front of the teacher I'd trusted so much. It's inconceivable. It really is. To think that I had always pride myself by not shedding a single tear in front of a single other person.... well, perhaps other than my brother, in a rather weirdest and most awkward circumstance some time recently, some 40 days ago. Or thereabout.

This thing. It just had to happen. Oh well, at least it had been a trial thorough enough to uncover the real personality behind the other person. Had it not?

And I had learnt a painful but valuable lesson. Anyway, life's about learning right? *forced smile* In future, I'll never ever put my trust completely in another human, other than God.

In any case, the shutters in my heart had rolled down to draw an end to my journey for the past two years in a place called the school.
------------------------------
That aside,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EIRENE KOH!!! (=
Have fun on your birthday.
----------------------------
Phew! Last minute packing hadn't been fun, but well, at least it's all done.

Hmm, other than that...
Charis, thank you for praying for me throughout these period of emotional and spiritual turmoil and unrest. Thank God for the sustenance He had provided me throughout these 40 days of total shit. Thank God for choosing me or my dad to be David to serve Him whole-heartedly, and knocking down the giant Goliath with just a plain mere stone.

I believe that there's more to come. There will be. But I'll be more prepared now, to take everything in God's perfect timing.

In times like this, only God, and Him Alone, would understand and care to wipe my tears all away.

Well, one more.

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:08:00 +0000

Aha! God DID answer my prayer. I was really fine and alright during bio paper today!! =)

Well.. until the examiner says stop writing, at least.

And here I go all over again.

Yay? ._. This is getting really sickening.

And so I'm recuperating once again, hoping that I'll be ok for Thursday's 75 minutes paper, I hope. *crosses finger*

Haiz.
-------------------------
Ok more about today's paper.. It's ok I guess? Except that last page. Was left with half an hour for the essay and guess what? It was the freaking same questions which I did THREE YEARS AGO in 2005. A stupid 2000 word essay on 'Discuss the implications of the Human Genome Project.'

So much for getting a B+ for that huh. And now I can't even remember half of whatever I'd written. T_T I really don't know whether to :) or :(((( at that instant...

(Let me see if my memory is bad, or it's normal to forget projects that one had done..... wsy and wsm, can u guys remember what you've written for that?)

It's only when I returned home and sort out my oh-so-messy table that I realised that we actually had a 4-page notes on human genome project. And it was chucked somewhere in an incovenient place on my table. T__________T Haiz. I hate, really hate stupid social/ethic implications questions. There's no science behind ethics thingies lah. That whole last question was pure regurgitation (which I can regurgitate nothing) and there's totally nothing science about it at all la! Well, only perhaps for the benefits part.

Sigh, anyway what's done is done already lah, no point crying over spilt milk right? Right. So look ahead. :) (And smile, cos Eirene's birthday is coming. Ok, irrelevant. hahaha.)
----------------------------
Nushians graduated last week, I heard. Like, finally. And the top student was Yun Zhi? Actually not really surprising la, she'd lived up to her sec school's name.. confirm rgs student should be able to do well right? In any case, congrats to her. (:

[And while the whole world... well, whole island, at least... of 18-year-olds have graduated, I'm still pretty stuck in my current situation. Neither am I really still in the school, nor out of it. But whichever way, in or out, there's one thing for sure: I'm going to wear the stupid blue skirt and blouse for another 75 minutes of my LIFE this thursday, afterwhich I'm gonna BURN them ALL. Ok, maybe not, well maybe throw them all away- while I still kept the white polo-shirt & green skorts in a pretty safe place in my closet. :) ]

....And this brings me back all over again, to the beginning. Why had I even set foot in a JC anyway? Whyyy?

Stepping into nus high.. a regret? Possibly.
Stepping out of nus high... a regret? Definitely.

But no matter what, 2T28 had been the most fabulous class EVER (well, other than fhps 6B'02). And no matter what happens, may it be 10 or 15 years from now, I will still LOVE T28 from the bottom of my heart. :D

Whatever it is, the end of the journey of 2 years is drawing near. In THREE days time. only 3. Hang in there... But it wouldn't only mark an end to uniform-ed life. It signifies the beginning. The beginning of us experiencing the world out there. The beginning of it all. And I hope that this time, I would cherish this opportunity to walk a path which I would leave no regrets. Ever. I hope to tread the path with determination and zeal, with drive and motivation, to make decisions at crossroads with faith and walk out a path for myself from there with enthusiasm, fuelled by burning passion. For I had come to a realisation that without passion and zeal, everything seems meaningless (good example is studying two freaking years of Econs).

Counting down to the day when freedom will befall on me. It would mean that I'm a step closer to the real world. But after staying within my shell of comfort and warmth for the past 18 years, I couldn't help but to wonder, am I really fully prepared for it? All these studying and mugging, how far can it bring us to? All these 'skills' or so-called 'life-skills' that we'd acquired during student-development or mentoring lessons, are they even enough to provide us with the foundation to face the challenges ahead?

How much had formal education prepare us for the real world? Or does it only worsen our illusions, sinking more deeply into the reel world? Really, how prepared are we, if at all?

Aiya, after talking so much, let me come back once again to reality. I'm only 18, void of experience and full of immaturity, and at this current state, have not even completed the A levels. Back to life, one more paper to go. Three days, one more.

Before I say, 'Hi China, Hi Samuel!' and 'Happy Birthday Eirene!'.

Smiley.

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 02:46:00 +0000

I really hope that I'll be fully recovered by Monday for Bio Paper 3. And Paper 1 on Thursday too.

God, let me take the last 2 papers with a clear mind and healthy body.

Will be taking my last dose of (super yuccckkkyyyy) Magnesium Trisilicate medicine after lunch.

YAYYYY.

And also no more Colimix. Double Yayness.

Wah lao these 3 months I've drowned myself in medicines la. Different colours, different tastes, different textures, different sizes of tablets etc.

I sound like a drug addict.

Need to build up my immune after A's.

Now I shall just pacify my tummy and my nose.

Smiley.

Continued

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 12:42:00 +0000

Ah yes, as I was saying this afternoon, before my violin lesson....

GP down,
Maths down,
Econs down,
Chem down.

Bio left.
2 more.
Only two.
ONLY.
2.two.deux.

There had been ups and downs. Whichever way, I just want to commit everything to God. He had been and will be my guide, my source of encouragement, my motivator, my helper to pull me through all these. I would be dead, really DEAD, long ago, if not for His help.

Think about this. I only sat for GP and Maths paper 1 with a totally clear mind and healthy body. It's only 2 days into the A's and here I (my health) go, all over again. That stupid cramp, and all was unleashed. Literally. And to think of it, Econs is the WORST. WORST paper I'd ever sat for in my entire life. Imagine, 3 essays within 135 minutes with a stupid gastric (and I very cleverly forgot to bring my medicine along). One hand scribbling answers frantically, the other clamping down on my disobedient stomach with intervals of wiping my tears away. It sucked. It really did.

But I'm here to testify. A miracle happened. It really did. The moment the examiner said 'Time is up, stop writing, pens down', I really put a full-stop to my THIRD essay. It's the FIRST time I completed ALL THREE essays for paper 2. (Whether I was writing bullshit or not, I wasn't quite sure, cos I was more concerned over fighting with the pain.) All throughout the past 2 years, I only finished TWO essays at best, sometimes 1.5 only. But this time, in the midst of the pain and tears, GOD HELPED ME. And I DID it.

Somehow, I didn't know how. All I knew was, that 135 mins was the worst time ever. It felt like the torture's never going to end. And I was praying all throughout.

Oh well. What was done had been done. And the rest is pretty much in God's Almighty hands. Hallelujah!

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

I was glad that He spoke to me today.
Mark 11:24
Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

The words so clear. His words so promising, so dear.

And I believe.

I believe.

x_X

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 09:26:00 +0000

WTF?!

My violin has grown mould on it! DAMN DISGUSTING LA!

wth wth wth wth wth wth

MY VIOLIN!!!!

**goes berserk**

Wah lao. I only didn't play it for 3 weeks la! 22 days only. ONLY. T_T
-----------------

on a side note, SIX more days before 'Hi Samuel!!!!!!!' face-to-face. Yay. SIX. ONLY SIX. :) Less than a week. only 6 days = 144 hours. Less than 150 hours. Kay I sound desperate. Lol. I AM.

Samuel I miss you so so so much. Miss you so desperately. :((((
------------------
Haiz.

In any case, GP, CHEM, ECONS are ALL out of my lifeeee for GOOOD. OUT OF MY LIFE. :)

Maths is momentarily out too. But more to come next year? Perhaps.

Oh ya, on a random note, Econs theory doesn't hold after this global economics crisis. See? TOLD YOU. Econs is a piece of theoretical bullshit that doesn't hold in real life. There's gonna be a HUGE revamp to the old theories to fit new ones that describe the current economic situation now, I'm sure.

Oh well.

That's all for now.
------------------
Violin lesson now. YAY. Bye.

First

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:01:00 +0000

First school-international exam ever.

First national exam in like 6 years? It's a damn long time and I've already forgotten how I'd did it in Primary School.

The only feeling is that I have no feeling about it.

Paradoxical? Obviously.

Let me do something that reason cannot fathom and Science cannot explain. Miracles DO happen, and that's precisely why Science cannot displace religion completely and religion is here to stay, no matter how marginalised it would/had become.

Love is in the air. :)
Charis, thank you so so much.
Samuel, it's only 14 days - only FOURTEEN, and I miss you so desperately already. :(
17 more days before I could see you again. :)

And here we go

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:01:00 +0000

The start of the single-digit countdown has arrived.

:) or :( ?

Don't know. Can't tell.

Whatever it is...

May the light of God shine through me.
May God work wonders with me, through me, using me.
May the labours of my hands bring Glory to Him. And Him Alone.
May the fruits of my labour bear GREAT testimony of His Name.
May I surrender each and every single detail to Him, in His Holy Name.

This is HIS war. Not mine.

Because everything happens for His purpose, in His perfect timing.

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 04:38:00 +0000

It's time like this that I'd wished I'd taken Physics instead of Bioooo.

Damn it.

I'm so NOT prepared for the A's. :(((((((((((((((((

Wasted a week by slacking and sleeping. T__________________T

Haiz. 15 more days to the exams. no timeee. What's new? :(

Life sucks, more so, if the days and nights are crammed full of econs (wth).

on a side note, I'd taken 4 years to reach the 200th post. slow huh. lol.

wu hua ke shuo

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 08:50:00 +0000

After finishing up a belated post on Friday, which was some stupid graduation day, I felt slightly sick and totally mentally crippled.

Then on Saturday, my body somehow got a blow from my emotions.

And on Sunday, my dreading flu (which dragged on for 3 weeks already) came back again and here comes my sore throat and FEVER again. Yes, again. And this time, it was no joke, 'cause the fever is damn high. Before I could get myself to rest, the afternoon and night was spent in the washroom while I occupied myself with the periodic vomiting and diarrhoea-ing. And because of the vomiting, I strained my lower jaw and the swell and pain from the surgery of the wisdom teeth came back again. WTH.

Never had I been bombarded with a whole lot of sickness like this before. I had really wished to die there and then, and I thought I really did. But I was just merely unconscious. :(

Then I found myself lying in some kind of hospital bed (I totally didn't know where I was) and tried to message someone, anyone, in my semiconscious state. Then I saw my mum sitting on a chair near me and felt much more comforted. :)

And I was drowsy for the rest of the night, but couldn't exactly sleep because of the irritating pain. Then the doctor woke me up several times to give me some jabs here and there (I totally have no idea what are they). I just felt damn weak. Totally no energy kinda weak.

I was more than glad to be discharged at noon today. yay. The fever was gone so I'm damn happy. The pain has subsided too. But you know something? I'm taking more than 10 different kind of medication after each meal. That sucks. And according to the doctor, it was 'a conflict of medicine' which I'd taken lately (for like the past 2 weeks) that caused the stomach upset and all, but then he later prescribed like 6 other kinds of medicine so I'm like WTH?!?!

Haiz. To think that I could join my friends for mock exam today. :( :(

And oh yes, in the near future, if people were to ask me which school am I from, I wouldn't hesitate to say: "____ High", or "I'm home-schooled."

For I couldn't bring myself to utter the three-letter palindromic name of the school that affected my health and attitude towards life so adversely.

Alamak

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 12:53:00 +0000

Ahha! Finally. I got the concert photos! The May 2008 Musicale. :) Nice Memories.

This is the group one. Spot me. Bet you can't. Haha. I always somehow appear to be hiding in photos.
-----------------------
Now, look at this.

This (below) is a (not-so-emo) photo of my violin teacher:
(eh.. I kapok from his friendster one...)

And this, is his graduation photo in NAFA.

(and then you look at this other person) And then you'll go, "What the **** -_-""" alamak!!" Anyone anti-CJGuzheng would do that, I swear.

They graduated from the same college - NAFA, same class, same batch, under the same lecturers.

Wah lao eh. Life so qiao also no need to be like that right. zzzz.... sian diao.

Haiz.. Let's just take comfort that she isn't good enough (though she got her honours) to teach in music schools and be a real conductor. hahaha. Lol. Okay la, I'm evil. hee hee.

Ok the English in this post is like apiognaefgoirn, like s-h-i-t. Whatever.
----------------------
And yes, another thing. Just wanted to quote some stuffs from this inspiring writer, Low Kay Hwa.

"Life is like a journey in which time is the distance and emotions, our obstacles, as we try to complete the journey – overcoming the bad emotions with good emotions is more important than pondering why we are going to the destination."

"Life and death are divided by just a line. Sometimes, we think that life is on one end of the line, and death is on the other. Truth is, if you draw a horizontal line, life is on the top of the line and death is on the bottom. That is how close life and death is."

"Tomorrow may, or may not come. Because 2 days later, tomorrow will be yesterday. So cherish today. For tomorrow, you may have crossed the line."

Meaningful, yet powerful messages conveyed subtly in simple words. How ingenious. The reason why I quoted this was, I realised how true it is, that life and death are a matter of millimetres away. Death grabbed hold of my violin teacher's younger sister in the most unpredictable fashion 5 days after attending his graduation ceremony (scroll up and see the date on the photo). I mean, isn't it tragic, if one day a loved one is here, and the next moment, he/she's home with the Lord? I can't imagine, especially if it happened totally unexpectedly.
----------------------------
I'm happy now because I'm suddenly enlightened (about an hour ago) where I'll probably be studying in, and studying for, this time, next year. In a place not too far away, taking my most aspired course.

And yes, I actually DID pass chem. A nice ending to college exams, somehow. :)

Now, for the BIG 'A's.

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 08:36:00 +0000

Prelims results' a joke. Seriously.

I'm becoming skeptical of my GP and Econs grades. I've a bad feeling that it follows a Poisson Distribution. ~~rare occurrence.~~ Hope not. *crosses finger* And I hope that I wouldn't be like China (progressing too fast... like my marks for GP increased by 54%, and 40% for Econs). I hope this is a steady progress. :) [I still love stats... ok, irrelevant. Haha.]

During GP lesson today, I asked the teacher about an unmarked point for summary and she went ''yea, the marker should have given you one mark for this point. I think she missed it out. But sorry, I can't change your marks now, it's being keyed into the system and it's already closed yesterday. So just have to live with it.''

My response was, 'Wa lao'. (It's a grade difference, hello.)

I mean, seriously, if you were me, would you have said the same?

Really puts the reliability of these grades into question. People who really got the marks are not awarded accordingly, while those who didn't even make it to the grade could miraculously have another one mark the next time they checked their score. And then we have the hero Bio teacher who could just change marks that were 44 to 45, 54 to 55, 59 to 60, 69 to 70 without any basis whatsoever.

And Econs grades were moderated 5 marks. Yes, I agree that everyone is happy and such, but if it were the A levels, there's no room for moderation and their criteria for the grades are already set 3 years ago, even before they marked our scripts. It's not marked by a T-score concept like the PSLE, where they could have moderation and such if the entire cohort didn't do as well as expected.

And I'm starting to wonder whether this exams were reflective, if at all, of my standards and my potential at the A levels.

And all that crap with predicted grades and such, it's a joke, really, when our school's system could just change marks anytime. just to boost some people's marks and make them look better, especially so for the seemingly better students.

Anyway, during break today, I felt hurt and a bit pissed by some particular people who talked to me and spoke like he/she knew a great deal and spoke to me in a tone as if I'm 2nd grade to him/her but actually I think he/she is just too smart for his/her own good. To the person: Hello, the world doesn't revolve around you. Throw a stone at anyone from the elite group and chances are, they are much better than you.

But thanks a lot to Cheryl (Tan). :) I feel really enlightened after her purposeful speech on 'God has a plan for you.' Haha. :D

Nevertheless, I still want to thank God for all my achievements this prelims, as He had given me the motivation and hope that perhaps Econs and GP aren't as intimidating as they seem. And I also want to thank God for the slips I'd made accidentally during this round of exams so that I may learn from them in time for the A levels, not to rest on my laurels and neglect the Sciences, though I may be slightly more inclined to them.

XD

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 12:49:00 +0000

I really love the XD face in the picture on zooming's blog. Hahaha!! It really describes my mood now. XD

I broke TWO records during this prelims.

I PASSED ECONS FOR THE FIRST TIME after failing it for the umpteenth time this year. XD

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!! :) :) :) :) :)

...

...

...

...

... ... ... And FAILED CHEM for the FIRST TIME EVER in my life. DX

Consultation with Mr Lee is always so enlightening, and puts everything back into perspective. :)

Just 40 more days, hang in there, no more, no less.

--------------------------------
Yes zooming, I've read everything in your email. And cried. It's either you're always too good with your words, or I'm just abnormally emotional. Haha. You meant so much to me, you really do. A lengthy reply coming soon (probably in dec). Oops, haha. But in the meantime, work hard for your very last final exams (like, after going through so much right, just give it the best last shot.) XD I know you can do it!! :)) And have fun during prom!!! (during which I'm in China. Haha.)
With regards to your tag, I've blogged. :P
-------------------------------
rene, I totally agree with you!!
You too k! It'll soon be over, I'm sure. Just forget about everything and start anew. New hopes, goals, and everything.
-------------------------------
And if anyone from T28 is reading this, please bring $5 for class fund tomorrow. What's left is only -$37.40. Yes, your eyes are not playing tricks with you, that's the amount we have, with that negative sign.

And oh yes, why do I have to end off with 'bring $5 tmr' after every post recently? lol.

Faith

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 17:38:00 +0000

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"(Heb. 11:1).
"God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." (Heb. 11:40)

First and last verse of Hebrews 11.

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

The only lines of comfort in the period of turmoil and turbulence.

----------------------------------------

Aw shucks. My job resumes tomorrow. Sigh.

Class fund is running a deficit of around $40++. So yes, T28 people, please bring $5 tomorrow to clear your debt.

And yes, bring tie.

And a date with Eirene. Lol.

---------------------------------------

zooming's suffering from time lag. Lol! she's used to be super duper duper fast with words and computer and anything IT!!! Hahaha. Ok la, perhaps busy with internship. All the best k!! And don't keep replaying songs in your head cos you'll get distracted, like what I did during my Maths paper. o_O""

Yea, I should learn from zooming to blog less and think more, so that what comes out isn't just a loadful of idle chatter and self-indulgence. Hah!

--------------------------------------

Happy mooncake festival everyone! (though the moon doesn't look really round) Hah!

End of it all

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 05:19:00 +0000

Literally: End of Prelims.
Metaphorically: End of me too.

Guess I'm dead for Chem + Econs. Oh well. Argh Chem (xzyalkdgjpawoi!!! whyyyy?!?!?!). Damn it. TT__________TT Probably GP too. :(( And that's 3 out of 5 subjects possibly getting less than 45%. baaadddd. what the.

But then again, what's new? It's been like this after every single exam in this frigging school. And now I'm numb to it already. Even if I fail, however badly, they're just nothing more than figures and numbers staring at me in my face. I've no feelings for it already. I wonder whether that's good or bad.

It's not nice having Chem nightmares for 4 consecutive nights (except last night, thankfully). It's not nice being Cl2 which will be split into free radicals (like, ouch it's damn painful) when the sun rises. It's also not nice to be CN-, attacking bromoethane, taking the place of Br- and leaving it out there, solo and lonely. Yes, it's funny when you read it, but not so funny if you just had to be the one dreaming about it. Plus, when you have zero love for organic chemistry.

Packed my table immediately after I reached home (finally... since January :O ) and discovered many little things here and there that I couldn't even remember when they ever existed or where they originated from.

And chucked away at this very small, secluded, and super dusty area (luckily no cobwebs) of my study table (which I didn't touch it for like 4 years?!?!) was this green coloured thingy. And initially, I thought 'what's that thing doing there?'. Then I pulled it out, and realised that it was my lower sec report book that has grown fungus on it (!!!). these mouldy and furry-looking lumps covering it. Damn disgusting la. I was caught in a dilemma: throw it away? or keep it?

I decided that I should take one last look at it before throwing it away.. so I cleaned it and started flipping through it. AND GOT SUPER DAMN SHOCKED and for the next half an hour, was at a total loss for words. All I could do was to mutter 'siao' over and over and over again. (hmm...brings me to wonder where on earth did I put my primary school report book? perhaps I'd thrown it away. lol.)

This was the reason why:

Sec 1 end of year results was
English - 72 (A2)
Higher Chinese - 81 (A1)
Mathematics - 98 (A1)
Science - 84 (A1)
Geography - 75 (A1)
History - 79 (A1)
Literature - 73 (A2)
Design & Tech - 85 (A1)
Home Economics - 87 (A1)
Visual Arts - 77 (A1)
Total Percentage: 81.1%

Sec 2 end of year results was
English - 75 (A1)
Higher Chinese - 84 (A1)
Mathematics - 100 (A1) [omg how is this possible?!?!?!]
Science - 92 (A1)
Geography - 79 (A1)
History - 87 (A1)
Literature - 77 (A1)
Design & Tech - 96 (A1)
Home Economics - 95 (A1)
Visual Arts - 90 (A1)
Total Percentage: 87.5% (crazy)

...and needless to say, was also shocked to silence by the CAs and SAs marks in between. omg!!! I wonder what kind of person I was in the past. I'm suspicious that I've transformed into someone else now.. hmm. perhaps not. just became dumber cos my neurons died. and no extra ones are regenerated.

There was no vast differences between the so-called 'arts' subjects and the 'science' subjects, unlike what it is now (which is between pass, or fail - miserably.). I could vaguely remember how hard I tried to achieve that A1 in English and Lit in the second year because of some stuffs the english (and also Lit) teacher said about me to the class, which of course, hurt my feelings quite a bit. I was happy that I was successful in the end, which proved her wrong and shut her mouth. And if I did remember correctly, I had hoped to get 80% in most tests/exams.

Then I stepped into nus high, and my expectations dropped to 70% (which is a B+). And my grades are more varied and diversified (not so specialised with only As). It ranges from A+ to B- to C and even to a single D. And then into JC, I got the very first E for the very first mid-years. and to promos, I got an S. And into the second year, the first U appeared and has decided to stay there permanently ever since. It's no wonder that my aims are now at 45%. What the. not even half. Haiz. I had more than halved the marks I was getting 4 years ago.

And I decided to keep it after all, as the only source of motivation I have left.

As I put it away in the cupboard, it suddenly occurred to me. When was the last time I enabled my father to put his signature down on my transcript with such honor and pride? It seemed to be a really long time ago.

And this reminded me of what happened last wednesday. I didn't know that Dad had half-day off from work (just nice on 3rd sept) cause of some company function thingy. He came back in the afternoon (just nice when I was about to leave the house - happily.) I thought I'd successfully not let my parents know about the stats competition I took part in (secretly behind their backs).

"Where are you going?"

"School"

"Ohh...Daddy bring you there?" (hmm... good mood?! He doesn't usually offer.)

"No need la, I go myself."

"Why you wear until like that?... and what's that?" (pointing to the blazer which I had no place to hide)

Then I was like..... oh no. oh shit shit shit. So in the end I had to tell the truth anyway. And obviously, his initial response wasn't a very good one. And in the end I went there by myself cos he was pissed off and slammed the door.

And when I reached the maxwell auditorium, after registering and all, I looked for my place to sit. And guess who I saw? My mind was like: "Hmm I wonder who got the first. RJC? HCI? Oh. Eugenia. ~~RJC~~ ~~HCI~~ NUS High."

Then we talked quite a bit. I don't remember talking to her throughout my 2 years in the school other than 'hi' or 'bye'. And of course the conversation I had with any nus high friends always always start with "why did you choose CJ? Why not hwa chong?" Truth is: As if I had the choice. But answer is: anything politically correct about cj, however wrong it is (to me personally). And I was amazed that I could actually talk to her without any awkward pauses for around 35 minutes. (I'm usually lousy at keeping conversations going.) Then there's this group of people who suddenly walked in. And without even turning my heads, I know it's T28. lol. That's the noisy CJ culture. hahaha. Then Eugenia commented something like, "Oh, your friends came to support you? How sweet!" To mei xiu, xinyi, sinyean, darren, eirene, shu ann, madeline: Yes, it's really sweet of you guys!!! :) :)

And Eugenia talked to me about this whole stats module thingy that she and Joanne used to apply to their posters on GDP and dunno what dunno what. I helplessly gave her the o_o??!! look more than half the time. (eh sorry I've no interest anything related to econs... guess I must have been really boring to talk to.) I was actually quite surprised that Joanne was interested in Maths. Thought she hated trigo and vectors like hell in class last time.

And finally, the real thing started. And I received a sudden sms. 'wheres ur award ceremony' I feel really surprised touched when Dad came (at the end). :D :D :D

After the prize-giving was lots of photo-taking which I didn't really enjoy - I like taking photos but don't like to be the one in photos. Then I had an interesting conversation with Joanne.

"hey Jo, so how's the music major thing?"

"I tell you ah... ****** ****** ***** I just took my Grade 6 violin la, like just now only, before coming..."

"Oh really? How was it? I took mine on 2nd July, was quite ok..."

"walao.. the examiner is damn ***** up la. That old botak ******. Ang mo ****** Damn it la."

"ohh... never mind la. I know your violin damn zai. sure can one." (she was the only one in the cohort last time who got a 140+/150 kind of distinction in school music pract exam)

"no la. now screwed up already. I tell you ah, last year was still ok one... got practise. This year is like ****** ***** ****."

"But I thought your teacher is Dr Wong right? Dr Wong so good.. don't worry la. you're in good hands. haha. eh btw how's Dr wong huh?"

"Aiya don't know la. she ah. haiz. ***** **** ****"

Me: ???!!! ???!!! "ohh. hmm... eh.... the food not bad right?" (in the failed attempt to change topic cos she's shaking her head in such great despondency... which I've no idea why.)

"ya"

----End of conversation----

Yup, this is how abrupt it was. hmm. I don't remember Jo being so flowery when she speaks leh, at least when I was in m05302. It's like every sentence is full of *ahem* stars. if you know what I mean.

Oh well, our paths had crossed again, most unexpectedly. I wonder whether it would ever cross again. But for one thing, I had learnt that I should seize opportunities, while I still have it, to get to know people more, while they're still around me. I was indeed surprised that Jo said that my presence was missed in class. (and I wasn't even close to her - not anywhere close to the kind of familiarity I have with any single person from T28).

Oh well. All the best for your music major. And grade 8 piano recital.

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 17:00:00 +0000

If life were a commodity,
then when is my expiry date?
How long is my shelf-life going to be?
Is my expiry date going to be natural,
or man-made?

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 15:58:00 +0000

I'm having really weird thoughts these days.

I wasn't paying attention during violin lesson at all. :(

I have not touched Chemistry at all, have not touched half of bio and 7/8 of Econs, and I still could not stop myself from thinking about such weird stuffs.

And I'm left with only one pathetic day tomorrow to complete all of the above. Great.

I don't even feel worried at all... and that itself, is worrying. It's really weird. I don't even feel a sense of urgency at all. Weird.

What is your life?

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:15:00 +0000

'You are a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes.'

Sometimes, I couldn't help but to wonder...

Is it who we are, or what we are (our achievements/titles/ results) that is more important?

And I'm still wondering about these kind of useless/meaningless stuff when the whole world out there is mugging their heads off.

Yep. This is WHO I am.

Life IS indeed short. (quotes cheryl) I don't want to lie on my death bed with my last thought being, "...and so, the resulting negatively-charged O atom then takes up a proton to form a cyanohydrin product, and another CN- ion is regenerated to replace the one which did the initial attack...and also the curly arrow from O- to H of the H-CN...." (last gasp of air... then die).

(you are worried about your future)

At the end of the day, the A levels cert is JUST A PIECE of paper. It's nothing but a mere piece of paper that could/might open more opportunities for you if you could do well (enough). It doesn't guarantee success. Not at all. It's just something that puts a complete (wholesome and round) full-stop to 12 years of formal education, which ironically, doesn't guarantee 100% educated, civilized people at the end of the day.

(you are still worried about your future)

What matters more is, do you see yourself as a global citizen? (Or just a Singapore citizen?) Singapore is so small that there's not much opportunities anyway (esp with so many FTs that it's becoming a 'small world' in this small little island). Success (at least to me) is defined overseas. It's just too suffocating here to produce new ideas, to get the kind of quality (be it life, or work, or projects etc).

(you are worried about your future future)

And Singapore is successful? I'm rather skeptical about it. Probably successful from the way the world looks at us, probably from the dividends from investments overseas. But internally, the picture isn't as rosy. Many things are breaking down, and I actually wonder whether those in authority has ever sensed its urgency. (esp the education system, and our population) They're trying harder, and harder to change, but what's the result? Guess it's an open secret that things are not going the way we expected, but nothing much could be done after all. It's somewhat like a vicious cycle. No babies? Import more foreign talents. Local talents? (not good enough???) Don't feel treasured, migrate overseas. Population problem again, and then more foreign talents. Well, that's the successful Singapore for you. Nothing but a migrant society.

(you are worried about your far future future...)

An A level cert (by Singapore-Cambridge) of straight A's could probably get you as far as being an ordinary citizen in the civil service (get your monthly pay, and just be contented). Overseas A level cert (by Cambridge) could probably bring you much further (and could even grant you a scholarship more easily). Well, this is the kind of messages the local universities seem to be sending.

(and back to worrying about your future)

Oh well, at the end of the day, it still depends on God. (Sometimes, I couldn't help to hope that the second coming of Christ would be sooooonnn!!) yea. crazy thought.

James 4:14
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.
What is your life?
You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

When would the day come..... when all stays and remain (including that piece of stupid cert that everyone is aiming for perfection), but you're gone? What difference would it make to the world? Nothing, nothing at all. But at least to God, you're something. Everyone, every single one counts.

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:40:00 +0000

Time, just like any other commodity, is a scarce resource.

Demand > Supply

But there's a slight problem. The price mechanism cannot and would not work. There's no equilibrium price for time.

The price varies from individual to individual.

As of now till November, time would be in shortage but there could not be any price floor imposed on it.

And therefore, I'm screwed, really screwed for the A's, and especially so for Econs.

Random Stuffs

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 12:32:00 +0000

LOL!

And a video which almost made me teared... It's full of impact, really!! Some stuffs relating to celebrity activism...good watch for GP. :)
Click here for video.

P.S. This reminds me... our GP paper was something on pancake people. Lol. szemin, I swear you won't love pancakes anymore for the rest of your life after you've done that compre paper. haha.

A Crane On Lotus.

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 08:17:00 +0000

It's funny that I could be feeling so high on one day... and low (hitting the sea bed kind of low..) the next.

Emotionally unstable.

Hah.

May the things I do glorify His Name. May His light give me direction and hope.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I just need to get that into my puny little head. That God has a plan for me. That God loves me and will guide me along. That I'm not treading on quicksand alone. That God's hands would pull me up just when I'm nearly suffocating and choking to death. That God will help me shed light as I edge and plough through, little by little, that mountain stack of Econs notes. That he'll quell my panic, patch up my inadequacies, overcome my fear, and give me a solid ground to thread on in times of uncertainty. That He'll help me with the ~~oh-so-terrifying~~ A levels just a freaking EIGHT weeks away.

Why do I always get that kind of feelings when doing any single damn thing related to Econs?!?!?! Why? WHYYY??!!

A word that starts with E. So easy to spell, but so difficult to put into practice. A word that ends with E.

忍

就是因为只有忍，才能在心如刀割的关键时刻，

即使情况有多阴惨，

还能在心中怀着那一点小希望。

希望梦想能成真的那一天。

忍。

在锋利的刀旁，端端正正，不偏不倚的那一小点，

寄托着对生命的欲望。

坚持地忍耐下去吧。

ENDURE

With each letter, a meaning.

Embark on the journey right now,
Never ceasing to make efforts count.
Don't lose the way to a road of null,
Under the stifling stress, nothing but dull.
Resolutions lost but again found,
Endure, for that's the only way to make them sound.

还有...

‘加油’ -- 这词我已听腻了。

对我来说，已经没效了，反而听了更有反感。

----------------------------
Something else:

Anyway, I was slightly elevated and amused after opening my house mailbox.
First thing I saw lying on the pile of envelopes/times magazine/ adverts was this long and narrow brown envelope that was addressed to me, and there was this white label pasted on the envelope, which read:

''Dear Mr Postman,
This is a birthday gift to my friend.
Please don't crush or flatten it.
Many thanks.
From: Sender''

And I couldn't stop laughing for the next 10 minutes. 'Cause it was just so.... (couldn't think of an adjective)... naive kind of cute. :)

And actually even before I read that label, I already knew who was the sender because of the characteristic brown envelope. :D

And this is what it's all about:

A Crane on Lotus. :D (and a keychain...none of which were crushed. heh.)

Deeper meaning:
That I may soar on the wings of love, hope, peace and laughter.
That my dreams and passion would take flight.
That God would set and light up the path for me.
That He'll see to it that my journey is a safe one.

And a poem. :D A touching, inspirational poem that spoke to me more deeply than last year's.

To the 'Sender':
Thank you so much.
You brightened up my day.
You brought back memories of the delightful times we had in the past.
You encouraged me so much.
Your words shed light like none others ever had.
Through my darkest moments, you were somehow there for me.
Not physically, but your presence could be felt.
Through sms-es, phone calls, and such.
You're God's greatest gift to me, amigo.
And to you too, all the best for your final module exams this semester, and may the path be smooth for you as you undertake your internship.
God is with you, through thick and thin, through the ups and downs.
Carpe Diem! :)
Oh.. and it took me ONE year to figure out that the starting alphabets of the poem last year was actually 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU'. (argh I'm so slow....) I only noticed it like one hour ago, as I took it out to read it once more, for the seventh time (yea... 6th time I'm emo-ing...), before I received your mail this year from my mailbox.

Yes, I shall and I will be that Crane on the Lotus.

Slowly and Carefully,
with His grace,
one by one,
let it go, let it go.

Let them all go...
and with new-found
strength and hope,
move forward.

^_^

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:09:00 +0000

HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY to teachers. :)

In my list of teachers yesterday.. I think I forgot (ah... how could I) to include all my inspirational music teachers!!! Here it is. :P
1) Mr Chan Jun Kit (1996-???)
---most caring piano teacher ever. :)) Really a teacher who accompanied me through my childhood and into adulthood!!!
2) Mr Chiang Yaw Yeang (2008-???)
Thanks so much for your patience and guidance. Your passion in playing violin really inspires me a lot!!! I'll try harder.
3) Ms Wong Yih Chyn (2007)
Very very very encouraging and humble violin teacher!!! (RJC alumni and an engineering graduate!!! Very omg right. And she's involved in AYO [Asian Youth Orchestra, representing Singapore] before!!)
4) Mr Wong (2006)
Taught me a very short while only...before going back to Malaysia... but inspiring enough to spark off an interest in violin within me. It was something almost totally new to me at that time. :)

Anyway...
Teachers' Day Performance in school was .... 'wow' (quoted). It's really all 'wow'... except for the last nerdy dance item. Guess last year's one was better. But anyway, I was busy replying sms-es throughout the celebration la, so it's a good use of time. hehe.

Bet some of the teachers were really having fun. Met Ms Fan while wandering outside the staffroom while waiting for the cake to be 'transported' (lol) to the canteen and saw her in a pirate's scarf!!! LOL. that's REALLY FUNNY. I wonder who gave her that.

But there's also other teachers like Mr Lee who still continue 'haaaaiiiizzz'-ing even on teacher's day. haha.

And oh ya.. on a random note, I think Mrs Toh is easily amused by coloured balloons. The joy she expressed when hitting away the balloons reminded me of that of a young kid's. heh.

Half of T28 (including me) went to meet Mrs Hoe at Holland Village (so... yes, I've decided to go in the end... but... no, it wasn't to celebrate my birthday.) It's more like cos I thought this would be like a once-in-a-lifetime thing, cos I don't think I'm really that close to her to like contact her frequently. And I don't think I would ever ask her out anyway. Eh.. somehow I felt this was more like a bonding session with classmates instead. lol. cos Mrs Hoe only kept talking to the other table of people... (whom I think is better in GP la. duh...).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me. :D

Felt really touched that a Primary FOUR classmate could still remember my birthday and wish me year after year.. without fail. :))) KOH ZHI WEI, this is the 8th time you wished me happy birthday (it was just 6 minutes past midnight this year.. lol) and bought me a gift, and I really hope our friendship could last forever!!! (no.. not idealistic. :P)
And then it was Darren (amazingly) who messaged like right early in the morning (surprisingly in Chinese) and sms-ed me a HUGE birthday cake. Lol. Couldn't help smiling. Thank you so much.
And then it was Cheryl (Tan) who msged. Really didn't expect that!! :))
Followed by Madeline (thanks for that msg!! eh. but I just got myself sick, againnn. :( ).
And then it was my aunt, then SZEMIN (forever short and sweet sms-es, as usual. haha.) and CHARIS (birthday present = chem pro-ness ok? promised ah. lol.)
and then several other people who wished me too when I went back to class. eirene, royston, charlene, fengy, nicole, suyi, meixiu, xinyi, petrina. Ohh... PETRINA!!! Thanks for that little hand-made postcard-looking thingy with that group photo on!!!! It's lovable and I can decorate my table with it. hah!! :D ok, I shall try to be an econs-goddess. lol.
Ohoh... and also a sec one classmate msged her well-wishes to me. (Bet she's damn stressed... she's still asking about prelims stuff in her sms to me!!! Well, what do you expect someone who's studying in hwa chong huh. lol.)

Oh yea, I'm eighteen and turning old and wrinkly.

MANY THANKS TO T28!!! :) For making my day.. and for celebrating my birthday with me once again (eh this time with cheesecake. hahaha!!) Feel really blessed! Haha.. at least Eirene didn't try to smudge cream on my face again. :D Well, partly because cheesecake has no cream. haha.

-----------------------
Random stuffs:
Will be finishing off with my THIRD course of antibiotics of doxycycline tmr after I've used amoxicillin and ciproflaxacin for the past 2 weeks before this week. AND my body is somehow smart enough to have give me a sorethroat now and runny nose. :( Hope that it wouldn't deteriorate to a fever. :(((( If not, I may need to take another antibiotic = one whole month on antibiotics = super-lousy immune system. T_T

Oh oh.. and my piano teacher dedicated a song to me during theory. haha! Much appreciated!!

Eh... violin results are out but I got only a 117. Haiz. Waiting to get the transcript tomorrow so that I would know which areas pulled me down. Bet it's got to be scales and aural/sight-reading/both. Hope that Mr Chiang won't be too disappointed! =X But anyway, moving on to Grade 7 and hopefully I could do better!!! :) (But somehow, I still feel scared leh... like, grade-7-but-somehow-still-don't-feel-grade-seven-ish kind of scared.)
--------------------

Sometimes I wonder whether teachers would ever feel bored. Students study the syllabus, pass their exams, get out of school, and move on with life. But teachers will remain stuck in school for the rest of their career, repeat the syllabus again and again... sending off the graduating batches and welcoming the incoming batches. Isn't it very monotonous? hmm.. just a thought.

End of Part I

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 11:46:00 +0000

YAY.

Prelims are halfway ended. Lol. Not that I'm very happy with the progress so far. I'm just really amazed with the kind of preparation that my classmates can do over a pathetic 3 days. (as compared to what I've done... *ahem*) I think I study too slowly. Either that... or constantly distracted.

On a random note, I think I look weird.. like (o_O"") kind of weird in blazers.

Oh ya, I could have blogged earlier when I reached home, but my first priority is still VIOLIN. heh.

Came back from Jurong Point after shopping with mum (like FIRST time in 10 months? :P ), though I didn't buy anything and entertained myself with helping her with her shopping bags/ choosing stuffs. lol. And omg, time spent for lunch for her can take up to 5 hours one la. amazing. ok... this goes to show that I'm not usually spending enough time to know her routine well enough. *blushes*....... (ahem)
------------------
Sad stuffs...

prelims.
GP was the 'oh-shit, what to write?' kind of screwed up.
Chem was the 'damn-it I should have studied organic chem' kind of screwed up.
Econs was the 'what's the question asking for?' kind of screwed up.
Bio was the 'flip-and-flip-and-flip-with-never-ending questions' kind of screwed up. So in the end also cannot finish like a quarter of the paper.
Maths was the 'damn-the-GC-why-answer-so-weird' kind of screwed up.

P.S. Hello charis, I've decided not to love statistics anymore. Does that break your heart? :P
and szemin, I need to borrow your brain for GP and economics. What's the interest rate for borrowing huh? heh.

AND MORE TO GO AFTER SEPT HOLIDAYS. :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
----------------------
Happy stuffs...

Stayed in school to study during a three-hour break after chem paper before econs paper. Some of us stayed back to have lunch (mainly those taking H2 econs). I feel really really really happy + blessed + everything positive because it's really out of my expectation that so many people are willing to support me at the award ceremony at science centre, JURONG EAST, for the stats thing. :DDD
-Shu Ann (she stays in PASIR RIS.. like the other side of the island. omg.)
-Suyi, Xinyi, Darren, Eirene (like all around TP area)
-Madeline
-Mei Xiu
-Sin Yean
Eh.. let me count.. that's like 8 people? From T28. 1/3 of the class is going there. yayyyy :)))) Much loves!! (Don't laugh at me when I'm wearing blazer ah.)
REALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH PEOPLE FOR DECIDING TO COME DOWN TO LEND ME YOUR SUPPORT!!!!!!!!

Oh and btw.. now I realised why the school made a big deal out of me getting 2nd. It's because the school's going to get a FREE SAS software (latest version) from SAS organisation. In case you're wondering, it's a kind of statistics software for advanced statistical analysis, usually used in research institutes or financial organisations. (not fair!!! when I asked for it to do my h3 project last year they say they don't have!! And so, I have to be contented with what I can get out of microsoft excel. then now.... argh.. what the... To put it nicely, guess I'm always the one paving the way for others. To put it crudely, I'm just not 'heng' enough.)
-------------------
Don't know to be happy/sad...

Received an sms from a rather close friend during my long absence from school... and it read:
"...and that's what friends are for!! :) take care!"

I don't know the exact reason why, but I suddenly just broke down after reading that phrase. It's oh-so-familiar. I know exactly who said that before. The EXACT SAME phrase. And that's sometime back in 2005, when sch life was worse than upside-down in that temporary Mt Sinai old RJC campus. And if you look back into my archive, I DID blog about it too. AND THAT WAS 3 YEARS BACK. 3 years.

-censored- -for wsm only-
omg.. sze min.. I think life's really different without you in school. Without you sitting at my left-hand side during lessons. Without you drawing random pictures of match-stick figures. Without you sharing the agony of studying physics. Without your 'PASSION' as you complain about the school system along with me... without you helping me to edit my essays.. without you eating that omelette thingy with me during breaks...without you 'choinging' reports/projects with me for any pair/group projects...with your 'slow-and-steady-sure-win' attitude... with you being so uncompetitive and trying to encourage me all the time...

I feel really happy that we could still keep in contact after not being in the same school for 2 years. But I also feel really sad that our friendship is becoming more and more superficial. Don't you think so? right? Sometimes I wonder, people (including you & I) change over the years.. and I wonder whether the depth of friendship could be maintained... Like, if I were to get into the same course as you in Uni, would we still be as close as before? Would we still understand one another without even any verbal communication? I'm really afraid to find out the answers to these questions, for fear that the answer would be 'no', yet I can't help to wonder.

It's probably this tiny little hope that you and charis would forever remain to be my best and closest friends that sorts of prevent me from becoming too emotionally connected with my current classmates and schoolmates. I unconsciously created a shawl around myself such that physically I may be present and look happy among them, but deep inside, I somehow felt no happiness. No real happiness. That's really ironic, but it's true. Yes, I could say that I'm actually doing better in this school, but I constantly dwell upon the past, and relived the happiness when thinking of the past, especially in year four (and not of the present). I don't know and don't care if you find me weird after reading all these... but really, you played a great role in my life.

I think it's because of this that I sort of remain slightly disconnected with the rest in school. And I think, if I recounted properly, that in fact I only talked about school work in school, nothing personal, and almost nothing else. Boring right? I wonder how I've actually touched the life of this other girl, eirene, who wrote that exact same phrase in her sms to me. It's probably because I felt hypocritical that's why I cried?? I don't know. But seriously.. I think my 'friends' here are more like acquaintances, and I have a strong feeling that friendships forged here would not last beyond school. And I've also made the decision to go overseas 8 hours after my last A levels Bio paper so that I can skip prom and don't have to see my classmates again. But really, they are treating me ok, but I simply do not feel the sense of joyfulness and homeliness (if that's the correct word to be used) when I hang out with them. Haiz.. I don't know. But yea, thanks a lot szemin (and charis) for being my confidante.
-uncensored-
-----------------------
To be decided...

turning 18 in about 6 hours. I think some of my friends are eating out with me?? not sure. huuuh. but cheryl suggested that we eat with mrs hoe but then I think I'll eat until very xin ku cos I'm still scared of her though she isn't our teacher anymore. heh.

(Though I hope to remain 17 forever.)

and I just realised that I possibly need to present my statistics poster in front of some important people on 3rd sept, so now I'm feeling superly and unnecessarily jin zhang about it.

tmr is teacher's day celebration. :)
I wonder whether we would still have a teacher's day in university. hahaaha. just a thought. but anyway, I hope it would be more meaningfully spent rather than last year. If you want to know what I did on teachers' day celebration last year.. I got myself tired out by sleeping at 5am the night before while choinging out the 2nd draft of pw wr and waking up at 5.30am to catch the 2nd bus to school. then after the celebration, stayed back in school until 5pm to review the ENTIRE report together with Mr Lee, while the rest of the school has either gone back to their secondary schools, or catch a movie with their friends or something. Haha, I hope he'll have a peaceful teacher's day this year too, without having any consultations after the celebration. heh. And I wonder why I could remember so many of these unnecessary details... but nothing goes into my brain for econs. :S oops.

hmm. I think I should use this opportunity to thank/ acknowledge the following teachers who have impacted my life quite a bit, since I presume this would be the last teacher's day of formal education. :)
1) Mdm Ho (1999, JPS Chinese Teacher)
2) Mrs Jenny Teo (2000, JPS Form Teacher)
3) Mr Alfred Tan (2000 - 2002)
4) Mr Chai Chon Fook (2002, FHPS Form Teacher)
5) Miss Tan Siow Ching
(2002, FHPS Chinese Teacher)
6) Miss Sim Soo Li (2003, CTSS Maths Teacher)
7) Mr Ho (2003, CTSS English Teacher)
8) Ms Dana Lim (2004, CTSS English Teacher)
9) Miss Priscilla Pang Yenning
(2005, NUSHS English Teacher)
10) Ms Cheng Siau Yian
(2005-2006, NUSHS Maths Teacher)
11) Dr Emilia Wong (2005-2006, NUSHS Music!!!)
12) Dr Li Liangzi
(2005-2006, NUSHS Chinese Teacher)
13) Mr Lyncoln Lee (2007-2008, Maths)
14) Mr Bernard Yeong (2007-2008, SRP)
15) Ms Fan Kai Teng (2008, Econs)

Lol. Though the last one is really really ironic. I did well in those subjects taught by the above teachers except econs. haha. really no affinity.

And some others who had sparked an interest within me for the subject/ made me think more deeply into things:
1) Miss Kirk Bee Har (1997, JPS Form Teacher)
2) Ms Zurinah (2001, YAPS English Teacher)
3) Mr Yuen (2003, RVHS Geography Teacher)
4) Mr Tan Kiang Chye
(2003-2004, CTSS Art Teacher)
5) Mr Sukandar (2005, NUSHS Chemistry Teacher)
6) Mr Jeremy Ang (2005, NUSHS Physics Teacher)
7) Mr Ingham (2005, NUSHS Maths Teacher)
8) Mr Chris Wong (2006, NUSHS Maths Teacher)
9) Mr Malcolm Soh (2006, NUSHS Biology Teacher)
10) Dr Tang Hock Chun
(2006, NUSHS Biology Teacher)
11) Mr Andrew Tham
(2006, NUSHS Biology Teacher)
12) Mr Eric Francis Tinsay Valles
(2006, NUSHS English Teacher)
13) Mr Dennis Ang (2007, 1st 3 mths Econs Tutor)
14) Mr Tong (2007, Relief Econs Tutor)
15) Mr Leong (2008, Econs Lecturer)
16) Mr Bala (??? -- eh really depends on mood leh.)
(2007 - 2008, Biology Tutor)
17) Miss Sharon Tan
(2007 - 2008, Chemistry Lecturer)
18) Mr Lim Chye Fook (2007 - 2008, maths dept)
-- err don't know how I get to know him

Lol.. Amazing to note that they are mainly guys. haha. The stereotype that most influential teachers are lady teachers do not hold. heh.

eh.. teachers do indeed play a huge role in moulding a student yea? lol. though I'm not the perfect one. haha.

....

and so...

the journey continues....

would I eventually become one too?

A day of mixed feelings

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:46:00 +0000

Haiz don't know to :) or :'(.

:) because I got national 2nd for stats competition 2008 and was congratulated by quite a few people (mainly teachers). Hah. I feel loved once again. :D Hello Department of Statistics you're one of my top choices. :P

(Oh by the way.. I can invite friends/ family members to go for the prize-giving ceremony on 3rd sept. Need to reply the organisation by 27th aug though.. for their logistics purposes. Anyone interested? sms me. :P thx in advance. haha.) Sigh. though I think no one would go in the end.. it's in the midst of pathetic prelims (argh) and (oops) my parents didn't even know I took part in this cos they discouraged me from doing so. Heh. I'm supposed to 'concentrate in preparing for A levels'. Ya, right.

:) because I got Bronze for SMO open category. (Amazing right. lol. That's call 'by luck'. and apparently, I improved by 900% from last year, according to Mr Lim. Hahaha.)

:) because I got a decent-enough grade for Physics A levels. Not good enough for me to jump for joy, but not lousy enough for me to shed tears either. Heh. Just right to get into School of Engineering in NTU. :D (It's really amazing that I could actually do better for AP, which is actually uni first year standard?!?!?!)

:) because I have caring friends. :D THANK YOU SO MUCH EIRENE omg.. I don't know how to survive these 2 wks without your constant sms-es. Heh. and THANK YOU PANG SIMING!!!! For scanning over so so so many stuffs!! (I think you took 3 hours to do all that right?) Really really really appreciate that!!! I really owe it to you guys!! :D

:) because I finally passed a GP assignment this year (although this is just a pathetic essay outline). Lol. Morale booster for Prelims. heh.
------------------------
:'( because I still cannot understand econs and is doomed to *ahem*. (argh!! It's the freaking PRELIMS, dude.) arh well, just have to try after prelims for the A's. Would be a miracle if I passed.

:'( because my gum still hurts, and I get really distracted and feels like sleeping after eating medicine.

:'( because my preparation for prelims is screwed (which brings me to wonder why I'm even here now...) Chem, maths and GP untouched. Bio and econs half-touched (lol. sounds really wrong.)

:'( because I'm having that really bad feeling for prelims.

:'( because prelims is in 55 hours' time. (say yay)

:'( because I'm feeling really lousy now and I don't know where to find that extra ounce of strength and self-confidence.
-------------------
Sigh.. what am I supposed to do?!?!

I hope I could still have a happy birthday during my JC life despite all these shit.
(My birthday last year was quite an unhappy one, in the midst of pw wr shit.)

srsly hope I could still be ok by next fri. I need tonnes of blessings. Hah. (as if this can help)

Round and round we go, only to find ourselves back at square one.

Why?

Is life nothing but a running track where we'll pass by the starting point countless times, but still continue anyway.. until we reached the finishing line which is none other than the point from which we started off?

A TEENAGER'S VIEW OF HEAVEN

noreply@blogger.com (fiddler) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 03:40:00 +0000

Something worth reading...

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. 'I wowed 'em,' he later told his father, Bruce. 'It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote..' It also was the last.

Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. 'I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it,' Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. 'I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him.'

Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read 'Girls I have liked.' I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named 'Friends' was next to one marked 'Friends I have betrayed.' The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird 'Books I Have Read,' 'Lies I Have Told,' 'Comfort I have Given,' 'Jokes I Have Laughed at .' Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: 'Things I've yelled at my brothers.' Others I couldn't laugh at: 'Things I Have Done in My Anger', 'Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.' I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked 'TV Shows I have watched', I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked 'Lustful Thoughts,' I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!' In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it.. The title bore 'People I Have Shared the Gospel With.' The handle was brighter than those around it,seemed newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. 'No!' I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was 'No, no,' as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, 'It is finished.' I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
------------------------
'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.'-Phil. 4:13

'For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.'
-----------------------
I seriously need Him to take away all that pain... D':