Suddenly had the itch to blog. Been feeling down lately. I have no idea why. I should be doing some report thingy right now, but my mood isn't really ideal to put my best efforts in it. Oh yes, talking about putting one's best effort into something, how does one measure whether one has actually put in one's best efforts or not?

Sigh. That's the question I've always been pondering over. Exams are over. I should be feeling relieved or happy or relaxed. But I'm feeling neither of these. That's quite a bad phenomenon, I guess. I'm actually more worried than anything else. I screwed up my Econs paper terribly horribly like don't know what. =( Each time when preparing for all the papers, I would tell myself, 'try your best and leave everything else to God.' During the preparation, sure, I'm trying my best, or so I thought. Then during the paper itself, I think I tried my best too, until when that irritating bell has rung and the time is up that I started to regret, and began to think whether I've ACTUALLY given in my best. What's considered as 'your best'? How do you measure it? How can you actually measure it? Definitely not in terms of grades right? NUS High failed me many times on that.

Oh well, I just have to wait and see. =( Frankly speaking, I think my promos are more screwed up than mid-years. But again, what's 'my best'? I've definitely not given in my best in mid-years and yet I felt more confident. Whyy? I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND. It's like life's playing a trick on you. When things are at its most crucial moment, there's a slight misalignment of things and everything else starts to fall apart, disintegrate and diffuse into nothingness right in front of your eyes. And you stare at it, stunned, helpless and feeling hopeless because you cannot do anything to save that situation. This kind of feeling really sucks, really. That's the truth. It's reality. But yet, it's not registered in your brain, or probably you feel like running away from that reality, which is the reason why you refuse to acknowledge the fact that it's really happening in real time. I can't understand why God just HAD to make IT happen right smack in the middle of promos and during my preparations for WR submission and promos. Is this his way of making me tough? Or is it His way of helping me screw up my promos (as if my mid-years have not been bad enough.)? I would prefer to think that God's purpose is the former and not the latter. Oh God, why would I even think of the latter? =( Perhaps I'm just too pessimistic.

I'm rather....... hmm, I don't know what to say. It's like every aspects of my life has been turned upside down. I don't know how to describe this feeling. But the most obvious thing is, it sucks. Heh. It sucks when you have so many roles to play, so many commitments to take care of. Yes, it really sucks. I feel like running away from all of them... into isolation maybe? It's both physically and emotionally draining.

Right now, I don't have the heart to do anything else. I don't know why. No heart, no spirit, no zeal, no drive. Where's the fire? Where's the motivation? It's all gone! Just vanished like that. It's quite sad, really. :( I'm not the original me any more. I don't know how to explain this, but having been through the past 3 weeks, I found that I have changed a lot. ME is not ME any longer. It's like I've transformed to a new ME with a whole totally new concept of what life is and this new ME can't find the contentment and happiness in the old ME. I don't know why. The new ME is searching desparately for the old ME but the attempts are all futile.

想逃避事实的感觉越来越强了。

你说我该怎么办?

无法控制自己的情绪；

压力实在太大太重了。

我已经尽力了。

人人都说天无绝人之路。

但是，真的吗？我的路途又如何？

最终的目标似乎无法实现。

悔、恨、悲交织在一起---

这复杂的心情可是难以形容。

我真的真的坚持不下去了。。。

对我来说，这条路似乎走完了，

也没有什么好再走的了。

唉！怎么办呢？

心里好烦好烦，好乱好乱。真力不从心！

************夜空很美，很亮，可是却很空
美是因为有你陪伴在我身旁
亮是因为我想相信我还有为自己救赎的机会
空的却是我的心

累了累了
有个小女孩终于肯喊累了
“ 谁肯来救救我？”
是耶稣，还是天使？

无声无息的夜 总想让我哭泣的冲动
我曾经问过自己，
到底要哭湿几个枕头，才能把眼泪流干、
要经历过多少心碎，心痛，心死才能得到真正的幸福？

哭了，哭了，
小女孩哭了
小女孩只想说，“把我很久很久以前的那份简单的快乐还给我好吗？”

求求你了，求求你了...